Regrets

  I've been getting a few e-mails from perspective volunteers and soon-to-be PSTs, who have contacted me from the info on this blog. They, as you would expect, have questions. Mostly, they relate to the interview process, the application process, what it's like being in Namibia, what they should do to prepare, what my daily routine is like (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Let's just say there's a reason I haven't followed the lead of many other PCVs and posted some sort of "What My Day Is Like" post), etc. One question I recently received was about my regrets. So, let's get this out of the way. Yes, there are things I regret. Anyone who says otherwise is lying, no matter how many Facebook posts they make about living without regrets. It's just human nature. We make choices, and sometimes wish, or at least wonder, what would have happened had we not made the choice. So, here are some of mine, as they relate to my service (with the year coming to a close and a new one about t begin, I feel now is as good a time as any to write this, rather than waiting until my COS).

  First things first. No, I do not regret getting on that plane. That is one choice I know was correct, and had I not embarked on this journey, I would've regretted it for the rest of my life. No, mom, I do not regret choosing not to bring a tent, since I got one here, and it's gotten the job done. For those of you interested in the raunchy details of a PCV's sex life, sure, I have some regrets, but I'm certainly not about to talk about them.

  So, what do I regret? Well, I recently finished reading Nikki Sixx's Heroine Diaries, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't keep one of my own, record my thoughts, my reflections, my experiences, in the moment. Sure, as Taylor pointed out, I could always start now. But there doesn't seem to be any point at this point. After all, the idea would've been to record my personal changes as my service progressed, and the truth is, most of that growth (or change, anyway) already occurred. Along the same lines, I kind of regret (as I've expressed a few times) not writing in here more often. Part of that has been not feeling like there was anything to say. Other times, it was just not having time. Or laziness. Still, I wish I'd written more often, shared more of my experiences with you.

  I wish I'd traveled more. Not that my map is lacking, but still, I could always have done more, collaborated more with other PCVs, spent more time in villages in the Kavango (granted, that fell through for reasons out of my control), made it to the cray fish festival in Luderitz (damn food poisoning), gotten to Cape Town, Zambia, Malawi, or Mozambique. Maybe even visited Greg in Cameroon. Sure, there is still time, and I do plan to do more traveling before I leave, but who knows when I'll next be able to afford to travel to Africa?

  Several projects have failed, and I certainly have regrets and can't help but think of ways they could've worked. Had I waited until I was more established in this town, maybe my GrassRoots Soccer program would've worked out better. Maybe if I'd been able to get more people involved, my health club for out of school youths wouldn't have failed. Maybe if Mike had waited more than a wee after I got to Khorixas to try starting the environmental club, it could've been a success. Just to name a few of my "failures" and ways I, looking back, could've made them happy.

  Do I regret being put in a town, rather than a village? Living in a flat, rather than a mud hut? Having a toilet, rather than a pit latrine? Having internet and electricity? I certainly think it changes the Peace Corps experience. In some ways, maybe it has taken away from my experiences. On the other hand, it's also made some of my successes possible, since I've had more access to resources and organizations to work with. Had I been in a village, I'm sure my language skills would be better. On the other hand, I don't think any of this has interfered with my integration, at least not significantly. Soccer and beer, after all, know no language barriers, and the ability to communicate from day 1 has helped, even if some things get lost in translation. Also, not living in a hut means I don't have to worry about this.

  I certainly have no regrets about living with my host family Khorixas as long as I did, though I do regret not visiting my family in Okahandja less often. I also don't regret moving out, as I needed my space, as a young adult.

  I repeat that I do not regret choosing to do this. However, it has led to me missing out on weddings, friends having children, relatives passing away. Friends celebrating successes. Friends suffering setbacks. And while I'm happy to be doing what I am, I still certainly have some regrets about not being for friends when they needed me. I love you all, and can't wait to see my friends and family when I get back home in a few months.

  So, I'm sure there are things I've forgotten to include (and may come back and add to this list later). There are regrets which I have intentionally left off, mainly because they are of a personal nature or involve other people whose privacy I will respect. I am not perfect, and not all my choices have been the right ones. But, at the end of the day, this has been a great experience for me, life changing, I'm sure, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now, time to get back to it. Now, enjoy some Xavier Rudd, because he's awesome, and I find this song relevant to how I feel writing this post (it actually inspired it, indirectly).